The Gist of It: February 15th, 2013
CHICAGO, Ill. -- Ours is a spiritually benighted world, and though the lifelong ministry of my writing may yet prove a blazing beacon, the darkness is oppressive. Pyongyang's gruesome experiments in earthworm irradiation continue apace. America's latest spree shooter is roasted to death in a ski chalet by his erstwhile comrades. As for accomplishments, our profane showbiz pageants deliver the usual: "music" group Fun. won two Grammys and the Oscars will be hosted by "Ted" the raunchy teddy bear. Modern culture regards you, dear readers, hewers of wood and drawers of water for a panoply of soulless cretins, as utterly devoid of conscience or taste. Yes, this was the world of irredeemably violent Dorito ghouls I left behind, withdrawing to my winter hermitage in ignominy and despair – only to find the world beating upon my door.
In curious imitation of my pensive seclusion, Pope Benedict XVI has renounced the Holy See, seeking private-sector opportunities for sex abuse cover-ups, AIDS obscurantism , and Holocaust denier rehabilitation. The world was shocked, amid the indignity of Benedict's resignation – men in wine-colored cassocks nervously buzzing in Latin, crying bishops doffing their miters, papal butlers hurriedly carting wheelbarrows full of paper out of Vatican emergency exits. Shameful and strange, even for a church used to reenacting "Weekend at Bernie's" with papal corpses. But there is a silver lining even for this dark smoke emanating from a Vatican chimney. I have heard the call of the faithful, and so humbly submit myself. I am ready to be Pope.
In the unlikely event I fail to clinch god-sighted victory at the Papal conclave, and be anointed either Pope Celestine II or Pope Formosus II (have not yet decided), I shall remain your humble servant here at American Circus, with some exciting changes coming in the near-future. Having relocated to a new base of operations in a thus-far forgotten NORAD silo in Schaumburg, Illinois, I am excited to announce my brief has expanded to include reportage on the gun-ridden fiefdom of Mayor Rahm Emanuel, the ongoing Midwest labor wars, and the decrepit golem we call the "Rust Belt economy." Folks, it's going to be fun. Stay tuned for the new developments.
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